Feeling Numb About Being Numb

I'm not a big fan of the way this post turned out, but I hope you understand what I was trying to say.

A couple of days ago I was drinking and while walking home from the pub (for about forty minutes, but at least I saved five euros, so it was worth it), I had a revelation: I don't even mind being numb. I just feel numb about being numb.

This year has been emotionally draining. Or at least it should have been, moving to another county and then back home, leaving all my international friends behind, knowing that I might never see some of them again. I also had a little failed situationship going on for a few months, I've been distancing myself from someone who used to be my best friend and working with orphan babies was not supposed to leave me unbothered. The anorexia peaked this year and here I am, not seeking help because I just don't care that I might be ill.

For the last few months I've been trying to make myself feel something, reading poetry and novels that used to make me cry, watching sad films, listening to my playlist that's been made specifically for crying etc. When I was more or less ghosted by the Situationship guy, I cried for a day or so and then quickly found it amusing. Leaving the exchange also left me with nothing but a little desire to meet up with friends again, I'm still waiting to see if the realisation that we'll never hang out again - all of us, Erasmus students from summer semester 2023/24 - will hit after three months, and all I felt with anorexia was the need to gain some control over my life and anxiety over the eaten food. Then as I said, a few days ago, I went drinking. I drank a lot, more than my friends, who were puking all over the pub and making stupid decisions while I held their hair. The next day I was underslept, dehydrated and had a bit of a headache, but was able to train and go to work in the afternoon. I still simply felt numb.

I always try to live according to my ethics: I'm vegan, I volunteer, I even chose to study social work so that I could make helping others my profession. But I'm not emotionally driven when I decide to live my life the way I do, I do it logically. I know it's not right to kill and torture animals for our own pleasure of eating meat and other animal products, but can't make myself feel anxious just thinking about the poor animals on meat farms. I know it's right to give as much as you can to the community, but I honestly don't feel very strongly about old people without families. Yes, it's sad that they have no one to look after them. But I know that logically.

Does feeling numb make me a worse social worker? To be honest, I don't think so. Of course it can be helpful to feel for someone you're working with, but being emotionally involved can also mean that you can't stop thinking about it, which can lead to exhaustion, and that you act on your feelings, which is not always the right and logical decision.

And you know what? I don't care. I feel numb to the fact that I'm dead inside, or whatever you want to call it. At the end of the day, what does it matter if I live ethically anyway?