Insomnia/Nespečnost

-


Slovenska verzija je pod angleško.

INSOMNIA

After several sleepless nights, I am exhausted. The bed is just the right softness for my body. I feel a little warm, so I pull my bare arm out from under the covers. Perfection. I turn over on my stomach, reflecting on the day behind me, and smile involuntarily as I remember my sister's amusing statement. I write another positive in my head. A quiet sigh. I look forward to listening carefully to the lecture tomorrow while taking notes and getting down to the business of getting up to date with my work for college. And exhale. I am slowly slipping into sleep. Inhaling. My thoughts are becoming more and more fogg-. Exhale. I slip smoothly into a deep, dreamless sleep.

I can't get comfortable. A thin beam of light shines into my head through the half-closed door. I have lectures tomorrow, I need to get to sleep as soon as possible. The bed is too soft, I feel hot. I pull back the covers, but soon I'm cold. I think about the day behind me. I shouldn't have said that... In my head, I'm writing a negative. I turn over on my stomach. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale... This isn't working. I can feel the sedative working threateningly in the background. A heavy exhale. I've already missed class today, I can't miss another one tomorrow. I have a lot of work to do. The sedative is pulling me away from my surroundings and I am slowly but steadily sinking into the threatening darkness inside me. Suddenly I don't want to sleep anymore. I feel as if I were clinging to a cliff over a precipice with bloodied fingernail tips. I slip helplessly into a restless sleep full of grotesque dreams.

NESPEČNOST 

Po več neprespanih nočeh sem izmučena. Postelja je ravno prav mehka, prilega se mojemu telesu. Malce mi je pretoplo, zato izpod odeje potegnem svojo golo roko. Popolnost. Obrnem se na trebuh in premišljujem o dnevu, ki je za mano, ter se nehote nasmehnem, ko se spomnim sestrine zabavne izjave. V glavi pišem še en pozitiv. Tih vdih. Veselim se, da bom jutri natančno prisluhnila predavanju ob delanju zapiskov in se lotila sprotnega dela za faks. In izdih. Počasi drsim v spanec. Vdih. Moje misli postajajo vedno bolj zameglje-. Izdih. Gladko zdrsnem v globok spanec brez sanj.

Ne morem se udobno namestiti. Tanek žarek svetlobe mi sveti v glavo skozi priprta vrata. Jutri imam faks, čim prej moram zaspati. Postelja je premehka, vroče mi je. Odkrijem se, pa me kmalu zazebe. Premišljujem o dnevu, ki je za mano. Joj, tega ne bi smela reči … V glavi pišem negativ. Obrnem se na trebuh. Vdih. Izdih. Vdih … Tole ne deluje. V ozadju čutim grozeče delovanje pomirjevala. Težek izdih. Že danes sem zamudila predavanje, ne morem ga še jutri. Veliko dela imam. Pomirjevalo me vleče stran od okolice in počasi a vztrajno se pogrezam v grozečo temo v sebi. Naenkrat si ne želim več zaspati. Počutim se kot, da bi se z okrvavljenimi konicami nohtov držala pečine nad prepadom. Nemočno zdrsnem v nemiren spanec, poln grotesknih sanj.

Komentarji

Objavite komentar

Priljubljene objave iz tega spletnega dnevnika

Who Am I and Other Basics

-
Phew, I set up the domain, chose the blog template that will change every few weeks due to my indecisiveness and almost had a nervous breakdown. I turned off the computer, put on some music, took a few deep breaths and did it anyway. The thing about me is that I give up too easily. But another thing, the thing that keeps me going, is that I hate spending money, and when I do spend it, I make the most of it. And since I paid seventeen full Euros for my domain, there is no turning back, is there? So I guess this is it. My first post, how exciting is that? Let's dive right in.   WHO AM I? A million dollar question and my second obstacle. Who. Am. I? On the blog, I suppose I am Lost Supposedly - it took me a few Google searches to make sure I spelt that word right - Funny Dragoness. Supposedly, because I think I am hilarious and my greatest source of entertainment, but not everyone agrees. Dragoness because I just love dragons. My favourite book is The Heritage by Paolini and I al...
Preberite več

Nicolas No Nickname

-
Zariah is known as Zari, Baboucarr Babu, Abubacarr Abu, Aisha is called Aisha Banana, Musa... well, Musa doesn't really have a nickname, but his name is short for Musafa. Nicolas, on the other hand, does not have a nickname. Everyone just calls him Niiiiiiicolaaas. That's a bit ironic, isn't it? It's called a nick name after all. Nicolas is a six-month-old baby that I had the pleasure of spending some time with while volunteering in The Gambia this summer. He's one of the babies being raised by carers in a kind of social work centre that's divided into several sections: an orphanage (we don't have orphanages in Slovenia, so I hope that's still a correct term) for babies and one for older children, a kind of residential home for elderly people who have no one to look after them, and an asylum home. The conditions there are - by Gambian standards - not bad at all. The children are well fed and mostly clean. The problem is the staff shortage: about two to t...
Preberite več

The Inability to Do Anything Right as A Woman

-
If we gain weight, we'll be ugly, no one will like us, we won't find a partner. If we lose weight, we don't look healthy and it's time for us to finally eat something, because nobody likes just bones. If our muscles are too big, we are too masculine. If they're too small, we are weak. If we have long hair, we are too concerned with the way we look. If we have short hair, we could spend some time on our appearance. If we don't sleep with every man, we're bitches. If we have sex with lots of men, we are whores. If we know a lot about a subject, we are just showing off. If we don't study, we're simply proving the stereotype that we're stupid. "Females" as people on the social media like to call us are obviosuly unable to do anything right. Whatever we do, according to the same people, we will always end up dying alone with a bunch of cats. Because supporting a husband and bringing up as many children as he wants is - or should be - every ...
Preberite več