Brash (One)

Hehe, I found a Word document where I sometimes write short random texts (brash). It seems to be a gold mine for the blog. All texts were first written in Slovenian and later translated into English for a wider audience purposes. So here is the first part of many:

HOPE(LESSNESS)

I cry, but at the same time I tell myself that it's time to get up, wipe away the tears and snot, wash my face and go. I have to go on with my life as if nothing has happened, as if everything inside me is not breaking down, as if my heart is not giving in to the thick slime in which it is drowning. The easiest thing to do would be to give up. But I never do. Fear of death used to keep me alive. Now I am afraid of dying too soon and missing out on something. There is a shred of THAT DAMN HOPE that keeps me from just throwing my hands in the air. I am also afraid to cry in front of others. What if I just wrap myself in a blanket and cry myself to death? The thought is damn comforting. I want my tears to wet the paper, to leave a mark forever. A memory of pain. A memorial to the pain of today, which can be generalised to all the pain I have ever felt, and the pain of humanity. I have to get up. It's time to go. CATHARSIS. 

BREZ(UP)

Jokam, hkrati pa se prepričujem, da je čas, da vstanem, si obrišem solze in smrkelj, umijem obraz in grem. Nadaljevati moram z življenjem, kot da se ni nič zgodilo, kot da se vse v meni ne podira, kot da se srce ne vdaja pod gosto sluzjo, v kateri se utaplja. Najlažje bi bilo obupati. Pa nikoli ne. Včasih me je živo držal strah pred smrtjo. Zdaj me je strah, da bi umrla prehitro in kaj zamudila. Obstaja kanček TEGA JEBENEGA UPANJA, ki mi preprečuje, da bi preprosto dvignila roke v zrak. Strah me je tudi jokati pred drugimi. Kaj, če se le zavijem v odejo in izjokam do smrti? Ta misel je prekleto pomirjujoča. Želim, da mi solze zmočijo papir, da bo za vedno ostal pečat. Spomin na bolečino. Spomenik današnji bolečini, ki jo lahko posplošimo na vso bolečino, ki sem jo kdaj občutila, ter na bolečino človeštva. Vstati moram. Čas je, da grem. KATARZA.

MONSTROSITY 

Before I even get out of the car, I imagine a huge, rusty, monstrous object emitting a sour metallic smell. I open the door and I do smell a slight odour. Impressed, I stand still. It is hard to imagine that people really worked here before the crisis. Following the example of other, mostly local tourists, I automatically pull my phone out of my pocket and take a picture of the factory. The photos are quite clear, but they do not capture the unpleasant feeling of numbness that is growing in my chest. For a moment I feel guilty. How can we look at the monstrosity so indifferently, without any awe?

MONSTRUM

Še preden stopim iz avta, si predstavljam, da bo ogromen zarjavel monstruozen objekt oddajal kiselkast kovinski vonj. Odprem vrata in res začutim rahel neprijeten vonj. Impresionirana postojim. Težko si predstavljam, da so ljudje tukaj pred krizama res delali. Po vzoru ostalih, večinoma domačih turistov, iz žepa avtomatsko privlečem telefon in fotografiram tovarno. Fotografije so sicer precej jasne, vseeno pa ne ujamejo neprijetnega občutka otopelosti, ki se mi razrašča v prsih. Za trenutek občutim krivdo. Kako si lahko monstrum ogledujemo tako ravnodušno, brez vsakega strahospoštovanja?

BLISS

Bliss. What is it? Probably something subjective. I have often come very close to it when I have listened to one of my favourite songs or eaten a really good meal with my eyes closed in contentment. I have also felt similarly when talking to my parents late on Christmas Eve, overeating and watching films with my cat by my side. For some, bliss is sex or a hug from a loved one; for others, it's a drugged high. Buddhism describes enlightenment as the ultimate happiness. I have decided that my goal in life is to experience bliss at least once.

BLAŽENOST

Blaženost. Kaj sploh je? Verjetno nekaj subjektivnega. Večkrat sem se ji zelo približala, ko sem z očmi, priprtimi od zadovoljstva, poslušala katero od svojih najljubših pesmi ali jedla kakšno zares dobro hrano. Podoben občutek sem dobila tudi, ko sem se pozno na božični večer pogovarjala s starši, prenažirala s hrano in gledala filme z mačkom tesno ob sebi. Nekaterim blaženost pomeni seks ali objem bližnje osebe, spet drugim omama z raznimi substancami. Budizem kot najvišjo srečo opisuje razsvetljenje. Odločila sem se, da bo moj življenjski cilj, da blaženost občutim vsaj enkrat.