Brash (Nine)

People are people.

Ljudje s(m)o ljudje.

DIGNITY

I vacillate between exclaiming, ‘oh, the fucking bliss of satisfaction,’ and simply feeling used. After we broke up because you were too confused and apparently totally unprepared for a relationship, you quickly - no, quickly is too weak a word, lightning-fast - (apparently you can't be alone for more than a few moments and that's why I even pity you a little) found a new woman who broke your poor little heart in the same way that you broke mine. What do you expect me to say? That I'm very sorry and I can't imagine how bad it must have been for you? You say you missed my laugh. Or the sex? You also tell me that I am an incredibly good person. Better than the others. I feel a slight sense of satisfaction at these words, but at the same time I can't help but think bitterly that you had to go to another woman first to find out what a nice person I am. You practically dragged yourself back to me on your knees when you were at rock bottom because your friends and girlfriend had let you down. When you fell into depression and pot addiction. And now you're waiting for me to write to you. But I won't. Because I'm going to do everything I can to keep what little dignity and self-respect I have left.

DOSTOJANSTVO

Kolebam med tem, da bi vzkliknila: »oh, the fucking bliss of satisfaction,« (»oh, ta jebena blaženost zadoščenja«) in tem, da se počutim kratko malo izkoriščeno. Po tem, ko sva se razšla, ker si bil preveč zmeden in očitno popolnoma nepripravljen na zvezo, si hitro – ne, hitro je prešibka beseda, bliskovito – (očitno ne moreš biti več kot nekaj trenutkov sam in zato se mi celo rahlo smiliš) našel novo žensko, ki ti je zlomila ubogo malo srčece na enak način kot ti meni. Kaj pričakuješ, da bom rekla? Da mi je zelo žal in si ne predstavljam, kako hudo ti je bilo? Praviš, da si pogrešal moj smeh. Ali seks? Poveš mi tudi, da sem neverjetno dobra oseba. Boljša od ostalih. Ob teh besedah čutim rahlo zadoščenje, hkrati pa si ne morem kaj, da ne bi grenko razmišljala, da si moral najprej k drugi ženski, da si ugotovil, kako prijetna oseba sem. Praktično po kolenih si se privlekel nazaj k meni, ko si bil na dnu, ker so te prijatelji in punca zatajili. Ko si padel v depresijo in odvisnost od trave. In zdaj čakaš, da ti bom jaz pisala. Pa ti ne bom. Ker bom naredila vse, da bom ohranila še tisto malo dostojanstva in samospoštovanja, ki mi je ostalo.

Food is food.

Hrana je hrana.

PORPAGANDA

I am at a point in my life when I wonder if romantic love might not be just propaganda imposed on us by different social systems. Since the beginning of human history, religions have promised us that if we pray enough, if we are devoted enough to the (real!) god, if we kill enough people in the name of the religion in question, we will achieve true love. Through it, capitalism sells us gold-encrusted flowers and overpriced chocolates for Valentine's Day, keeps us in line with poor mental health through dating apps and keeps our attention on films and soap operas. If we buy this specific skin-care, you will for sure find love this time. But are my parents part of the propaganda? Do they just believe it deeply enough to convince themselves that the love they have for each other is really something more than peaceful coexistence and passing the time in their mid-fifties?

PROPAGANDA

Sem na tisti točki življenja, ko se sprašujem, če ni romantična ljubezen morebiti le propaganda, ki nam jo vsiljujejo različni družbeni sistemi. Religije nam že od začetka človeške zgodovine obljubljajo, da bomo pravo ljubezen dosegli, če bomo le dovolj molili, če bomo dovolj predani (pravemu!) bogu, če bomo pobili dovolj ljudi v imenu dotične vere. Preko nje nam kapitalizem prodaja z zlatom posute rože in predrage čokolade za valentinovo, nas drži v liniji slabega duševnega zdravja z zmenkarskimi aplikacijami in drži našo pozornost v filmih in limonadah. Če kupimo to specifično kremo za obraz, bomo tokrat zagotovo našli ljubezen. Pa sta moja starša del propagande? Ji le dovolj globoko verjameta, da sta se prepričala, da je ljubezen, ki jo imata en do drugega, res kaj več od mirnega sobivanja in krajšanja časa v srednjih petdesetih?