Power

'The one who cares less always holds more power,' Tony Parsons writes in one of his books.

I've experienced this kind of unequal relationship from both sides before, mostly being the more powerful one in the last year or two, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, though. It's not that I didn't care at all; I just didn't develop feelings for most of the men I've dated, or I felt that my friends needed me more than I needed them (thanks for the reminder — I just texted a friend to check in on her). For a few weeks or even months, I felt as if romantic love might be propaganda (check out Brash (Nine) for an explanation), and sometimes as if my friends were just there to keep me company and not really help me in difficult situations.

Not caring much and therefore being in a position of power gave me a pleasantly evil sense of control over the situation and my own life. Not responding promptly, not being there for people when they needed me, trying to decide whether to continue dating men, failing to communicate at crucial moments, and ultimately avoiding contact left me feeling empty and tired. But most of all, I felt a deep sense of guilt for all the bad experiences I'd had when I was on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour. I sometimes looked at men who I didn't care deeply enough about to continue dating, especially when I knew from the moment I first saw them that the relationship wasn't going to work, but I still hoped it would because I knew they were good for me, so I kept going out with them. In their big, hopeful eyes, I saw a reflection of my own life when I cared more and was ready to make compromises that I never would have made if his hair hadn't smelled so good or his taste in music and literature hadn't been so similar to mine.

And then, a few days ago — karma never fails us — I found myself in another situation like this. It's the sixth time in my life, if I'm counting correctly, that I've been the powerless one. It's the classic 2025 romance: I jump when I see a notification, but it's never him. I have a few men from dating apps on "standby", but he probably has me on "standby" too, so everyone is getting hurt — some more than others — and here I am on an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs. I feel like I'm stuck in the part where the wagon is turned upside down, and it feels like my head is going to explode under the pressure caused by the blood being drained from my heart by gravity.