Familiar Senses Of A Situation

I hold my phone at arm's length in my fingertips, as if it disgusts me or is about to explode. Maybe it will, because of all the messages from everyone but you. Or maybe my head has turned into a tempered bomb with all the music that you like. I feel the urge to press my forehead against the cold metal handrails on the bus. But that would be too dramatic. Still less dramatic than texting you, though, right? Highs and lows, and lows, and lows. I swallow the deep metallic taste in my mouth. This situation tastes familiar.

I feel your unfamiliar hands on my body. It's exciting and scary and irrational. We both know it. Maybe that's why we enjoy it so much. I went through all the possible scenarios in my head. They had a potential of turning into something wonderful for a month or a year but none of them ended well. I never expected it to end this badly, though. This situation feels familiar.

I took two naps today. One was what I call the 'dead squirrel' response: when I'm stressed or overwhelmed by thoughts or emotions, I tend to fall asleep for an hour and wake up feeling slightly shaky. The other was the consequence of daydreaming about your fingers, voice, speech impediment, the mild smell of laundry detergent, and our impossible future together. This situation smells familiar.

I'm trying not to think about it. The uncertainty is killing me. Conversations suddenly stopped flowing and feel slightly awkward. Should I run? The answer to every question is "I don't know". I keep reading the screenshots and replaying the familiar sentences in my head; they sound just like him. I know you aren't him. But this situation sounds familiar.

'I can't wait another month to see him again,' I whisper to myself. It's not because I miss you so much, per se — I barely know you — but because I keep seeing black spots due to stress, and because I compare every man I look at to you. I just want to see a light at the end of the tunnel. This situation looks familiar.

I know you aren't him, but the distance, the uncertainty, and the pit of insanity that I'm slowly falling into make me want to run. I just don't know whether to run towards or away from you.